Start Again
by laurzz
Summary: DannyLindsay. Given the chance, would you start again? Post 4x16-4x19. Twoshot.
1. Chapter 1

_So, a two-shot. Inspired by a song. Real shocker there! :P First 'chapter' is Danny's POV, 2nd - Lindsay's. Twinkeyrocks, without you, i'd have chucked this one in the gutter, kicked my butt every step of the way to get this up and posted... Along with quite a few other fics. So this one's for you! :D Plus, i'm running out of Daises and M&M's :D _

_Enjoy guys... And R&R, please? Thoughts would be nice :D_

"_Because I told you you'd live to regret it. _

_Now I don't want to make you feel bad, but when it comes to me just forget it._

_I'll be the best you never had."_

_Leona Lewis – "Best you never had"_

_--_

Danny Messer sighed in defeat at the sound of Lindsay's answering machine, yet again.

He missed her, desperately.

He'd hurt her, destroyed her, and pulled her through hell backwards over the past months.

_But_ he still missed her. That had to count for something, didn't it?

He wanted her. He wanted to be with her. He needed her. He needed to be with her. He just couldn't find the words that convinced her of what he wanted. Not that she'd listen. Not that he deserved her to listen.

Rikki had told him that he'd regret it, and… Deep down, he had known that she was right. But there, in the moment, he just wanted the pain to disappear. And, the only way he could see that happening was to let go. Let go of his emotions. Let go of the ties he had to the world.

Let go of his girl, Lindsay.

The day Ruben died; he lost sight of the world. Lost sight of _his_ purpose in the world. He couldn't even protect a little boy on his day off, how was he supposed to be a police officer that protected others? How could others depend on him? How could Lindsay depend on him? How could he expect her to depend on him?

He had put her through just about every emotion he could think of. And yet, she loved him. And he had thrown it back in her face. She didn't deserve him. She deserved someone that could give her the world, someone that wanted to give her the world.

Well,he wanted to give her the world. He just wasn't the best at showing what he felt.

She was in love with him, and he didn't give her the time of day. And it broke his heart every _single _ time he thought about it. The tears she had shed, was because of him. Every single tear, because all he had cared about was himself.

They hadn't had it easy. From the start they had obstacles they had to overcome. But, they had always come out, together. Stronger than ever.

In the short space they had worked together, gotten to know each other, it had felt like they had known each other, since forever. For him, he felt that there was never a time in either of their lives when they hadn't known the other. Lindsay Monroe was Danny Messer's air. She was the reason he breathed. The reason he woke up with a smile on his face. She was the reason why he trudged through the New York snow in December at 3.30am at a crime scene, with a flutter in his heart.

Without Lindsay Monroe, Danny Messer didn't breathe.

What he thought would seem clear, became faded the minute he pushed her out of his life. Getting over the loss of Ruben, alone, seemed like an easy alternative.

Shame he had been wrong on that one. Now he realised he needed her to lean on. He needed her more than ever. And he had done his best in pushing her away.

He had an aching feeling in his chest. He ached for all the times he had cancelled a lunch date, a dinner date, a movie date. He ached for the times when they had just messed around, laughed and joked, and not talked about how they had truly felt. What the other had truly meant to the other.

Now he wasn't sure he'd ever get that chance. He wasn't sure he'd ever get the chance to tell her he loved her too.

He didn't want to risk cheapening their relationship, and what it stood for prior to his night with Rikki, but, there was nothing in the world that he wanted to do more than tell her how much she really meant to him.

He had told her he wanted to talk. The ball was in her court now. He wanted to let her know that she was all he thought about. That he wanted his future to be mapped out with her. That he loved her.

But, for now, she'd be the best he'd never really had.


	2. Chapter 2

"_I was so in love with you, there was nothing I could do,_

_Wouldn't give me the time of day, _

_Now you wanna be with me; you say you wanna be with me"_

Leona Lewis "_Best you never had"_

He didn't deserve her love. _He didn't, he didn't, he didn't_ . She knew he didn't. She'd tell herself time and time again that he was no good.

But, she just couldn't let him go.

She sat and chuckled to herself. Clearly he thought she was stupid. He hadn't told her straight out, but like him, she was a trained CSI. Sometimes, it felt like he forgot that. Plus she was a woman, with past boyfriends. That itself gave her a slight advantage. She knew the signs- the signs of infidelity in a relationship.

She understood, deep down, why. She knew from first hand experience that everyone dealt with guilt differently, some better than others.

He had cheated, she didn't know the details. She didn't know when, where and why? But she knew. Call it a woman's intuition. A CSI intuition, whatever… it didn't change what he had done.

Pouring herself her second glass of wine, she let her mind wander back to him. _As if it ever did anything else… _

Talk.

That's all he wanted to do. Talk. And wasn't that just funny... When she was there, ready to listen, he was at Rikki's doing god knows what.

Now, because it suited him, he wanted to talk.

Lindsay Monroe thought of herself as a forgiving person. She had to; she had too much baggage from her past to allow her to hold grudges. Life was too short. That night in the diner had taught her that. She saw it everyday – life being taken too soon.

So why was she still thinking about Danny? Move on – there was plenty more fish in the Hudson. The thing was, no matter what happened, no matter what he did, she loved him.

She had tried to let him go. She had tried so hard. And every time she thought she had succeeded; until he smiled a weak smile in her direction. Then all her efforts went to pot.

But, she'd try the next day.

And the one after that.

And the one after that.

Her heart still ached from when he away looked from her. Their office was tainted now. She knew she was being silly. But every time she went in, she could hear the conversation bouncing off the walls as a constant reminder. And she could see the ghost of his former self, sat there, not even batting an eyelid to her confession.

Whatever, it was his loss right?

_Wrong._ She could tell herself it was his loss until her head exploded but she knew it was her loss. Their loss.

Tipping her wine down the sink, she headed back to the couch.

Danny & Lindsay.

Their names flowed together so well. They moulded as one.

"_Danny, Lindsay there's a case in midtown with your names on it."_

"_Danny, Lindsay you up for getting a drink after work?"_

"_Danny, Lindsay you guys wanna to go catch that movie we all wanted to see?"_

"_Danny, Lindsay… Danny, Lindsay… Danny, Lindsay"_

She chucked the remote against the wall. Then went to pick it back up and examined the wall.

_Great_ another indentation in her life because of Danny. "Super" she mused to herself

"Just plain super, duper, super"

Shaking her head at the stupid choice of words, she switched the lamp on and settled on the sofa. Picking up her book, she turned to the page she was on, began reading, and then shut the book again.

It was all well and good, 'pretending' she was mad at him. But in all reality, she wasn't. She was hurting; hurting a lot. She didn't dare talk to him, scared of the outcome a 'talk' could bring.

They had fun, they joked, and they laughed. He kept her on her toes, and she kept him on his. It was comfortable, a safe working relationship.

Until she fell for him, hard and fast.

She cursed her feelings. She cursed Danny. She cursed New York.

Resting her head against the back of the sofa, she sighed.

Was it ever really something? Or was it all just a figure of imagination. They had a whirlwind romance. They had sexual tension. They had banter. They had lust.

But did they have love?

She did, but did _they_ ?

She shook her head violently. It didn't matter anymore, he had cheated.

Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing he could say could change things. Nothing he could do would change things.

He had said that it was her, "only her" and that he was "sorry for pushing her away" and he "missed her more than he could say"

So why the hell hadn't he made the damn effort out of work?

Sure in work it was, "we need to talk." "Lindsay, can we talk" "could we have that talk now"

But out of work, where it was the suitable place, where they could discuss their private life, he vanished – disappeared.

She loved him, but he couldn't give her the time of day.

Silently she scolded herself, why was she questioning herself because of him. Because of what he had done…

She hadn't done anything wrong, and she wasn't the victim.

She just needed to move on.

Making a promise to herself, she smiled at her new resolution. Danny would no longer affect her. She wouldn't let him get to her. She wouldn't let him in ever, again.

She startled slightly when she heard the knocking at her apartment door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me- we need to talk."

Her head was screaming at her legs to stop moving towards the door. Her head was screaming at her while she was turning the key, her head screaming at her when her frown had turned into a weak smile.

Her head stopped screaming when she didn't say a word, but moved slightly making room for him to get past.

"Linds-" he sighed resting his head in his hands as he sat on the couch

"I need to know why" she said quietly, sitting on the edge of the couch

"Why what?"

"Why did you sleep with Rikki?"

"Lindsay – I- you - how?"

"Danny, I'm not stupid. I know. I know what happened between you two. I don't know exactly, and for that I'm glad. I don't have to relay the images in my head. What I don't know can't hurt me. I just need to know why."

"Because she wasn't you"

"What" she said rather abruptly, but when she saw him flinch, she softened her tone a little "I'm sorry, what?"

"She wasn't you. I couldn't let you see me in the state that I was. I was vulnerable; I wanted a way to shut the world out. I didn't and couldn't deal with it."

"I could have helped you. I wanted to help you"

"I wasn't thinking"

"You needed someone Danny, I could have been that someone."

"I wanted you to be that person. Lindsay, you mean the world to me and,"

"Danny, don't cheapen what we had by saying that now. It's too late"

"Lindsay," he sighed

"Danny," she sighed in return.

"Lindsay, let me fix this"

"Danny, you can't mend this with glue. You can't just throw some apologies out there, send me a few flowers, and expect me to forgive you. You cheated on me, and then, you weren't even man enough to own up to what you had done"

"I'm here telling you now, does that count for anything?"

"It shouldn't have to count for anything. You shouldn't have done it. "

"Is there anyway you can forgive me?"

"Danny you need to go"

"Lindsay" Danny sighed "Please, I just want to talk"

"Danny," she warned

"Lindsay"

"Danny, stop saying my name" she begged.

"Why?"

"Because every time you do,"

"Go on," he encouraged her to carry on "Every time I do what?"

"Because every time you do, it makes me want to forgive you- I want you back Danny."

"You have me back"

"I want my best friend back" she sniffed, desperately trying to keep hold of her tears, threatening to fall.

"You have him back"

"I want the person I fell in love with"

"He's right here Montana"

"He isn't. The person I fell in love with hadn't slept with Rikki Sandoval"

"Time, that's all we need Linds, time." He begged, grasping at straws, trying to get her to forgive him. "All we need is time Montana"

She looked through him, shocked. He had called her Montana... Twice.

"This is hard" _Understatement of the century Linds_ , she told herself.

"I know honey, I do. And it's my fault. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry. More than you know"

She leaned in towards him, noses touching "Make me forget." She breathed against his lips.

"Excuse me?" his eyes narrowed

"Make me forget like how she made you forget."

"Lindsay" Danny sighed, his voice laced with tears.

"Make me forget what you did Danny"

"I don't know how. If I could, then I would. Lindsay, I love you, and I'm so sorry-"

Lindsay's eyes narrowed and she backed away. "What did you just say?"

"I'm sorry?"

"No, you didn't. You said you loved me"

"I do Lindsay, I love you. You love me, I know you do."

"I don't, I've let you go."

"You haven't Linds. I know you haven't"

"You don't know that, you don't know what I'm feeling anymore."

"Lindsay, if you had let me go, this wouldn't be hard. If you had let me go, you wouldn't have let me in tonight. You wouldn't care anymore if you had let me go, you wouldn't be fighting them tears I can see. You wouldn't care Linds"

"I don't care anymore" she spat.

"Lindsay, I can see it in your eyes, you do care. You still care, and deep down, you know I care about you."

"Danny, you need to go."

"This isn't over though Linds"

"Danny, it is. It's over. I – I – I can't. Not anymore. Not after this"

"Don't say that"

Lindsay just moved passed him and opened the door to her apartment. Silently, he moved past her, grazing her arm with his hand, lovingly one last time.

Slowly, she shut the door, and let the tears overcome her.

Resting her forehead against the door, she let the tears fall freely down her face.

It was over.

Sobbing to herself, she was replaying the same words out loud in realization.

"It was over".

It was exactly that, to as why she had been avoiding that very talk.

She tried taking deep breaths, like her therapist had always told her too, but this time, the deep breaths weren't working. She was hurting too much. She wanted to rush to the phone and call Danny, barely making sense, hysterically crying down the phone, telling him that she needed him.

But she couldn't.

She beat her clenched fist against the closed apartment door as her head still rested on it.

She hated him, she did, genuinely hate him.

But her love for him cancelled out every other emotion she was feeling, all the hate she felt, the betrayal…. 'Love overrides all' as her mother had always told her. Turns out she was right.

She hit the door one more time with her clenched fist before pulling her forehead away from the door, and wiping the tears from her face. She pushed herself away from the door, and sniffed up the last of her tears before turning towards the kitchen.

Taking deep breaths to compose herself, she steadily walked into the kitchen.

When she heard something that caught her attention.

She made for a beeline back to the door, and looked through the peephole. The tears she had just sniffed up were now flowing freely down her face once again.

There, before her tear filled, puffy, blood shot eyes, sat a broken Daniel Messer, with his head in his hands, sobbing.

Her heart ached.

She hated it when he cried.

She took a deep breath, but didn't bother to wipe the tears away. Part of her wanted him to see what he had done to her.

Opening the door, she closed her eyes for a second, when she saw the look on his face. It killed her. He looked so broken, so torn.

Without saying a word, she moved toward him and sat next to him on the floor, and mirrored the way he was sat with his legs curled up into his chest.

She turned, still with no words being exchanged between the two, and wiped his tears away, as tears still ran freely down hers. Slowly, he lifted his hand to her face, and wiped the tears away. She blinked releasing the ones that had formed in the rim of her eye as he caught them on his index finger.

Moving her hand to his that was currently cupping her face; she ran her delicate fingers over his rough ones, as he moulded them together as one when he took her hand.

Glancing down, she closed her eyes, releasing even more tears, that she didn't even known she had left.

She ran her fingers over his left knuckle, where he still had faint scars from the day the Irish drug gang had beat him up.

That scar. He had gotten that scar because of her... Because he had inadvertently protected her. He had taken her shift.

That scar had always reminded her of that morning.

And that morning was the happiest she had been in a long time.

"Montana is it really over. Have I really lost you?"

She closed her eyes. "It's not over." She wanted to say she loved him too much to let it be over, but she held back.

He let out a small laugh through his tears and the brightest smile quickly spread across his face.

"But, I need time" she quickly interrupted

"I got all the time in the world Montana. Just tell me where and when, and I'll be there, waiting for you. I swear."

"I don't want to cry any more tears because of you Danny. I'm tired. I have nothing left."

"You will never, ever cry another tear because of me Linds, ya hear, I promise."

"I want to start again. From the beginning"

"Absolutely, I completely understand. First dates. Second dates. Third dates. Forth dates. Everything Montana."

"I want to trust you again"

"And I'm gonna earn your trust back."

"I want to get off this floor" she giggled, wiping a tear away.

He stood up and held out his hand. "Linds, I don't expect things to go back to normal ya know, I'm not expecting that from you. I get that you're still gonna be hurt by what I did. But please, just don't make the same mistake I did and push me away. Let me be there for you."

She nodded. Glancing down at him still holding her hand.

Quickly he let go.

She shook her head and smiled lightly. "I did say I wanted to start again"

He returned her smile "You hungry?"

She shook her head, as she smiled and leaned against the wall "No, I gotta get back to the lab"

The both broke out in soft laughter.

"Technically though Linds, that wasn't starting again."

"It wasn't." she laughed

"That'd be me Danny Messer, how ya doin'"

She smiled and flicked him in the arm.

"Lindsay, are we gonna be okay?"

"It's you and me Danny. Danny and Lindsay, we can't be anything other than okay"

"Why's that?"

"Because we can't function without the other"

Danny smiled, and nodded in agreement. "You're right, you're my lobster."

Lindsay rolled her eyes. "You watch too much TV,"

"I know this is a little forward Linds, but do you wanna go get breakfast or something?"

"Danny, it's 2AM"

He just smiled weakly at her "Still not got the hang of the city that never sleeps Montana?"

"I'll get my coat" she laughed heading into her apartment.

Maybe things would be rocky. And the past would probably resurface it's ugly head. But whatever happened, they'd make it through, slowly but surely.

And if not, they could always start again.


End file.
